Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you