A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Super Hand Dog Face
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again