[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House