Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
for all #parents out there
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.