23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Who did it better?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first