I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
For the baby who has everything
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
finally
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*