In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian