Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Tough love is true love
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.