I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them