I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me