me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back