My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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