OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no