PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
smh
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I want this so bad
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
O Wise One….
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.