If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?