Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.