If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean