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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.