I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.