It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine