The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
How to make infinite energy.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.