Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Has there ever been a more American story?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
this is 10/10 content no notes
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂