Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no