So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.