Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Poetry is my passion
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family