Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.