Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.