I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
This is hilarious….
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.