Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE