Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario