The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.