[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The booster protects against what, now?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit