I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Story of my life…..
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.