My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.