You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*weighs self after shaving
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
What?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”