My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.