If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.