*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My birth announcement for our third baby
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Thursday Thought.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.