Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
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I’m giving up ice.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
it’s finally my moment to shine
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one