I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.