Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
it’s finally my moment to shine
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.