When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
You Might Also Like
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Never let them know your next move 😂
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend