NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*