Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*