When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then