Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
🐕🍷
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂