“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.