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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.