pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Aw man, but that’s the best part
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Anime is real
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.