Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean